She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
