Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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