All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize