Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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