You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
