Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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