Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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