weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
