how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
