Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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