My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
