my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
