You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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