today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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