if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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