and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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