What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
