Where did you get a picture of my penis
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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