I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize