i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
