I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
