u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
