I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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