I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
