omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
