I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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