It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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