I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
