Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize