i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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