you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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