i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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