i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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