I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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