I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
