If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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