we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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