I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
