Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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