How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize