I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
