i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize