last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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