In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
