so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
