you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
