He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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