There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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