Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
