Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
