dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
