Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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