better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
