the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
