Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
