Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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