omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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