I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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