We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
