im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
as a side note pls kill me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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