I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
